So here I am resurrecting this blog after nearly 4 years of absence. Reading through my older posts feels like a walk through memory lane. The first thing I noticed is the tremendous change between who I was then and who I am now. I would say that my mindset has gone from growing to actually evolving year after year. I choose the word evolving precisely because I no longer look at my past as a mix of bad and good events, but simply learning experiences from which I could draw equally important life lessons.
If there's one thing that remains from looking back at earlier writings, some even dating back to when I was only 13, it's a sense of disbelief that that was me from before. There are times where I wish I could travel back in time just to slap myself in the face or show the guy how he should have acted, it's almost comical. I certainly cannot claim to have had a crap life to date, on the contrary I've been blessed with a good family, decent income, great friends and I feel that I can do whatever I wish to.
Having been away from blogging for so long, I sometimes wonder why I even stopped. I guess my full-time studies at the time had me overly occupied. Not that I've actually stopped studying, as I still enjoy taking part-time courses, but these days it's only in things that genuinely interest me. I remember choosing engineering back in the day simply based on job security as there's ALWAYS a shortage in that area, no matter how grim the economic climate. Several years after that first degree and I'm following professional cookery courses, loving every second of it... not least because I get to eat and share whatever I make :) It's come to the point where I'm toying with the idea of opening my own catering business, but that's a story for another day.
Reading through all of the above, it dawned on me that I have plenty to be grateful for and that maybe I'm just absurdly difficult to please sometimes. Lately though, I've gone through a bit of a rough patch where my love life is concerned. Conflicting emotions, fear, indecision, courage and the guts to speak up, sleepless nights, being daring, keeping my distance... it all feels like one huge mess now that I'm faced with a person who's got a wall up and won't let anyone in for intimacy. This is all made more complex by the fact that I've developed feelings for her. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, for it sucks when those feelings are not returned and you're seen as no more than a friend. Thank goodness I've got plenty of other activities in which to channel all the brooding thoughts, at least that way I can get something good out of that crazy cocktail of moodiness that's hit me.
Here's the irony of the situation, I know that whatever I've set my mind to I've nearly always achieved, but when it comes to finding a woman that I wish to spend the rest of my life with, all planning flies right out of the window and into outer space. In that sector, it seems like whatever happened has been through sheer coincidence, whether it was me falling for someone or catching their fancy. Many claim that dating is a numbers game, and to that end there have been times where I felt fed up of it. Is having a female that I genuinely care for and who cares for me back simply too much to ask for? Sometimes I wish I could feel nothing at all, so I wouldn't have to go through the whole emotional ordeal, but wouldn't that also mean that when something great did happen, I'd forget just how memorable it all was?
In summary, to whatever life may throw at me, I say BRING IT ON and hit me with everything you have, for they are all learning experiences that will only lead to an even better me. I and I alone am responsible... not for what happens to me, but for how I choose to react to it and to know when to take my chances.
