To the girl who simply wouldn't learn,
I'm tired. Sick and tired:
- Of you and your shenanigans.
- Of being passed up for others and seeing you shamelessly throw yourself at them in my goddamn presence.
- Of having my generosity abused.
- Of having foolishly allowed myself to develop feelings for you that were never returned.
- Of being taken for granted.
- Of wasting countless nights thinking about you, when all you wanted was to take, take, take.
- Of being let down repeatedly.
- Of you not realising that a self-respecting man of worth will walk away for good once he's fed up of being bullshitted.
That is all.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Moving on
Yesterday I sat down to plan a post, which I don't normally do since I tend to write on the spur of the moment. I've had a moment to reflect on the way I've been living and the people I've spent time with, so here are a few of the thoughts that surfaced:
- Inner peace is something beautiful to have and strive towards daily.
- The presence of toxic people is detrimental to one's well-being. Casting them out or limiting the time spent with them isn't so much a selfish act as it reflects new-found self-respect. Life's just too short to have your positive energy sucked dry by another who constantly complains without choosing to act on their own issues. That time is better spent in the company of those who uplift us with their presence.
- It helps to learn to enjoy the present moment, to be fully engaged in what you are doing right now. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet, be here for life is happening in this very instant.
- It's a pain to go from one yo-yo state to another where you're taken for granted, then being missed because you begin distancing yourself to focus on your own needs that aren't being met. Being played sucks, and it reflects another's unwillingness to become emotionally invested. It also stinks of an attitude where another simply refuses to take any responsibility for their own actions, opting to blame booze or a third party. Would you really want to be with someone like that?
- What does being dear to someone really mean? Are words like 'dear', 'hun', 'love' to be used so whimsically with all and sundry as if they say nothing about the way you feel towards a specific individual?
- "When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake any more. It is a decision." - P. Coelho
- Aggressively evolving on a daily basis means that I cannot afford to be tied down by the backward attitudes of a few. There have been cases where I felt that I outgrew the limitations of being around certain folks, and as painful/awkward it could have been, I do not regret moving on.
- Inner peace is something beautiful to have and strive towards daily.
- The presence of toxic people is detrimental to one's well-being. Casting them out or limiting the time spent with them isn't so much a selfish act as it reflects new-found self-respect. Life's just too short to have your positive energy sucked dry by another who constantly complains without choosing to act on their own issues. That time is better spent in the company of those who uplift us with their presence.
- It helps to learn to enjoy the present moment, to be fully engaged in what you are doing right now. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet, be here for life is happening in this very instant.
- It's a pain to go from one yo-yo state to another where you're taken for granted, then being missed because you begin distancing yourself to focus on your own needs that aren't being met. Being played sucks, and it reflects another's unwillingness to become emotionally invested. It also stinks of an attitude where another simply refuses to take any responsibility for their own actions, opting to blame booze or a third party. Would you really want to be with someone like that?
- What does being dear to someone really mean? Are words like 'dear', 'hun', 'love' to be used so whimsically with all and sundry as if they say nothing about the way you feel towards a specific individual?
- "When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake any more. It is a decision." - P. Coelho
- Aggressively evolving on a daily basis means that I cannot afford to be tied down by the backward attitudes of a few. There have been cases where I felt that I outgrew the limitations of being around certain folks, and as painful/awkward it could have been, I do not regret moving on.
Monday, April 13, 2015
After the storm
My nights during this last month or so have been quite crappy: fragmented sleep, getting up many times at night, weariness, nagging thoughts and exhaustion from crying myself out. These last 3 days were even worse, but also better in a sense, as the pain I went through was necessary to get back on the road I've decided to take. I am extremely grateful to my 2 best friends for listening to me and standing beside me, come what may.
Some quotes which are especially relevant right now:
"A broken promise hurts as much as a lie. You don't just make them believe, you also make them hope."
"When you really matter to someone, that person will always find a way to make time for you; no excuses, no lies, no broken promises."
"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise."
"Actions do speak louder than words and promises mean nothing without proof."
"No relationship can be built on lies and mistrust; it must have a solid foundation of honesty, compromise and commitment."
Long story short, I've been interested in a girl for around 2 months, but there was always the nagging question of whether she wanted me too. So it became a protracted affair of meeting in groups, sometimes just the 2 of us (less frequently than I would have liked), and plenty of uncertainties. 3 days ago, I sent a text that forced the issue, and I was prepared to face the consequences. Summarising the main points:
-If a person has no interest in being my partner, I don't want to hear phrases like 'miss you', especially if I already want her to myself. It only builds false hope, and that hurts in a horrible manner.
-The time I spend in the company of a girl who is not interested in me is simply time I could have spent with another who would be. I've grown too weary of being strung along, just because another person cannot communicate a clear yes/no. With time being my most prized resource, I don't want to linger in limbo knowing it could well be all for nothing.
-Honesty, directness and being open are the keys to simple, effective communication. They also result in less heartbreak.
-Not everyone seems to have a clear idea of what they want in life. Sometimes it's just a matter of the other having different wants/needs than I do. Either way, it's not enough for just one of the parties to be happy with the situation if the other one ends up feeling down in the dumps.
Parting quote: "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". (and I know my own worth too well to settle for this kind of nonsense behaviour)
Some quotes which are especially relevant right now:
"A broken promise hurts as much as a lie. You don't just make them believe, you also make them hope."
"When you really matter to someone, that person will always find a way to make time for you; no excuses, no lies, no broken promises."
"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise."
"Actions do speak louder than words and promises mean nothing without proof."
"No relationship can be built on lies and mistrust; it must have a solid foundation of honesty, compromise and commitment."
Long story short, I've been interested in a girl for around 2 months, but there was always the nagging question of whether she wanted me too. So it became a protracted affair of meeting in groups, sometimes just the 2 of us (less frequently than I would have liked), and plenty of uncertainties. 3 days ago, I sent a text that forced the issue, and I was prepared to face the consequences. Summarising the main points:
-If a person has no interest in being my partner, I don't want to hear phrases like 'miss you', especially if I already want her to myself. It only builds false hope, and that hurts in a horrible manner.
-The time I spend in the company of a girl who is not interested in me is simply time I could have spent with another who would be. I've grown too weary of being strung along, just because another person cannot communicate a clear yes/no. With time being my most prized resource, I don't want to linger in limbo knowing it could well be all for nothing.
-Honesty, directness and being open are the keys to simple, effective communication. They also result in less heartbreak.
-Not everyone seems to have a clear idea of what they want in life. Sometimes it's just a matter of the other having different wants/needs than I do. Either way, it's not enough for just one of the parties to be happy with the situation if the other one ends up feeling down in the dumps.
Parting quote: "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". (and I know my own worth too well to settle for this kind of nonsense behaviour)
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
What others do, and what I see
Today I'm writing about how certain people have improved my life just by being in it. Oftentimes, said people have no clue as to how their behaviour ends up influencing others. Anyway, back on topic:
I find it incredibly endearing when someone does simple little things such as clean a table stain or fetch a tissue for me (and sometimes even others) without even being asked. It's as if these days such tiny acts have become a rarity for most to even think of doing, and the ones who do become all the more special to my eyes. It has also motivated me to become even more giving in both my time and effort.
We often get lost in thinking about what we can get from others, only to ask why we aren't getting the affection or appreciation we desire. It is only when we stop being so self-centred and start giving that real growth can come about, not to mention that the right people will show their appreciation in one way or another.
I'm more comfortable chatting with complete strangers than I've ever been before, be it the staff at a favourite hangout or even other patrons. Guess I've gained more self-confidence! The only issue here is that sometimes this can be wrongly seen as flirting, but that's the whole point of knowing where the fine line between friendliness and flirting lies.
Another major point for me is the regular expression of kindness and thoughtfulness towards another in the form of concrete actions, be it leaving a hand-written note or a tiny gift. Words like "love" are thrown about so recklessly these days that they seem to have lost all meaning, and we all know that talk is cheap. That's exactly the beauty of actions though, they give SUBSTANCE to words when the act is consistent with what is said. Give me a mute person who expresses everything with regular acts over someone who's all talk any day!
Adding to the above point, we can reasonably expect to be disappointed when we're promised all sorts of things but then nothing transpires. At the same time, I cannot help being elated when someone does exactly as they say they'll do. They say promises are like pie crust, but that is true only if we treat them as such. I believe in promising only on what I can deliver, and admire those who can do likewise.
I find it incredibly endearing when someone does simple little things such as clean a table stain or fetch a tissue for me (and sometimes even others) without even being asked. It's as if these days such tiny acts have become a rarity for most to even think of doing, and the ones who do become all the more special to my eyes. It has also motivated me to become even more giving in both my time and effort.
We often get lost in thinking about what we can get from others, only to ask why we aren't getting the affection or appreciation we desire. It is only when we stop being so self-centred and start giving that real growth can come about, not to mention that the right people will show their appreciation in one way or another.
I'm more comfortable chatting with complete strangers than I've ever been before, be it the staff at a favourite hangout or even other patrons. Guess I've gained more self-confidence! The only issue here is that sometimes this can be wrongly seen as flirting, but that's the whole point of knowing where the fine line between friendliness and flirting lies.
Another major point for me is the regular expression of kindness and thoughtfulness towards another in the form of concrete actions, be it leaving a hand-written note or a tiny gift. Words like "love" are thrown about so recklessly these days that they seem to have lost all meaning, and we all know that talk is cheap. That's exactly the beauty of actions though, they give SUBSTANCE to words when the act is consistent with what is said. Give me a mute person who expresses everything with regular acts over someone who's all talk any day!
Adding to the above point, we can reasonably expect to be disappointed when we're promised all sorts of things but then nothing transpires. At the same time, I cannot help being elated when someone does exactly as they say they'll do. They say promises are like pie crust, but that is true only if we treat them as such. I believe in promising only on what I can deliver, and admire those who can do likewise.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
A day to remember
Yesterday was flippin' brilliant!
The sun hasn't yet risen and her I am blogging instead of sleeping, but I probably had enough of that anyway :) Some thoughts I simply have to put down:
- Trust is not a binary matter where you either have it or you don't. It's more of a scale, and every interaction with someone decides whether they get more or less of it.
- For as much as I have sensed invisible walls with others, I have walls of my own too. Still, I have no intention of letting them get in my way, especially since all they're really doing is keeping others out when all I really want is for a few special people to be in.
- Honesty, upfront and shameless, is always the best policy. No mincing of words. Nothing risked, nothing gained!
- I must keep going after what I want in life, but this time it needs to be with a sense of reckless abandon. I know it will be painful at times, but why attempt to dodge those bits? By now I've long realised that it's because of the hard times that I can appreciate the good ones.
- Every step I decide to take brings me one step closer to where I want to be. Also, not taking the steps does nothing more than leave you paralysed and may even give others the exact opposite impression to what you really intended. So take the goddamn steps and keep going!
- It's bloody refreshing to not be the only one taking initiatives, and that's a trait I'll definitely want in my partner. I love proactive people!
The sun hasn't yet risen and her I am blogging instead of sleeping, but I probably had enough of that anyway :) Some thoughts I simply have to put down:
- Trust is not a binary matter where you either have it or you don't. It's more of a scale, and every interaction with someone decides whether they get more or less of it.
- For as much as I have sensed invisible walls with others, I have walls of my own too. Still, I have no intention of letting them get in my way, especially since all they're really doing is keeping others out when all I really want is for a few special people to be in.
- Honesty, upfront and shameless, is always the best policy. No mincing of words. Nothing risked, nothing gained!
- I must keep going after what I want in life, but this time it needs to be with a sense of reckless abandon. I know it will be painful at times, but why attempt to dodge those bits? By now I've long realised that it's because of the hard times that I can appreciate the good ones.
- Every step I decide to take brings me one step closer to where I want to be. Also, not taking the steps does nothing more than leave you paralysed and may even give others the exact opposite impression to what you really intended. So take the goddamn steps and keep going!
- It's bloody refreshing to not be the only one taking initiatives, and that's a trait I'll definitely want in my partner. I love proactive people!
Saturday, February 28, 2015
4 years on
So here I am resurrecting this blog after nearly 4 years of absence. Reading through my older posts feels like a walk through memory lane. The first thing I noticed is the tremendous change between who I was then and who I am now. I would say that my mindset has gone from growing to actually evolving year after year. I choose the word evolving precisely because I no longer look at my past as a mix of bad and good events, but simply learning experiences from which I could draw equally important life lessons.
If there's one thing that remains from looking back at earlier writings, some even dating back to when I was only 13, it's a sense of disbelief that that was me from before. There are times where I wish I could travel back in time just to slap myself in the face or show the guy how he should have acted, it's almost comical. I certainly cannot claim to have had a crap life to date, on the contrary I've been blessed with a good family, decent income, great friends and I feel that I can do whatever I wish to.
Having been away from blogging for so long, I sometimes wonder why I even stopped. I guess my full-time studies at the time had me overly occupied. Not that I've actually stopped studying, as I still enjoy taking part-time courses, but these days it's only in things that genuinely interest me. I remember choosing engineering back in the day simply based on job security as there's ALWAYS a shortage in that area, no matter how grim the economic climate. Several years after that first degree and I'm following professional cookery courses, loving every second of it... not least because I get to eat and share whatever I make :) It's come to the point where I'm toying with the idea of opening my own catering business, but that's a story for another day.
Reading through all of the above, it dawned on me that I have plenty to be grateful for and that maybe I'm just absurdly difficult to please sometimes. Lately though, I've gone through a bit of a rough patch where my love life is concerned. Conflicting emotions, fear, indecision, courage and the guts to speak up, sleepless nights, being daring, keeping my distance... it all feels like one huge mess now that I'm faced with a person who's got a wall up and won't let anyone in for intimacy. This is all made more complex by the fact that I've developed feelings for her. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, for it sucks when those feelings are not returned and you're seen as no more than a friend. Thank goodness I've got plenty of other activities in which to channel all the brooding thoughts, at least that way I can get something good out of that crazy cocktail of moodiness that's hit me.
Here's the irony of the situation, I know that whatever I've set my mind to I've nearly always achieved, but when it comes to finding a woman that I wish to spend the rest of my life with, all planning flies right out of the window and into outer space. In that sector, it seems like whatever happened has been through sheer coincidence, whether it was me falling for someone or catching their fancy. Many claim that dating is a numbers game, and to that end there have been times where I felt fed up of it. Is having a female that I genuinely care for and who cares for me back simply too much to ask for? Sometimes I wish I could feel nothing at all, so I wouldn't have to go through the whole emotional ordeal, but wouldn't that also mean that when something great did happen, I'd forget just how memorable it all was?
In summary, to whatever life may throw at me, I say BRING IT ON and hit me with everything you have, for they are all learning experiences that will only lead to an even better me. I and I alone am responsible... not for what happens to me, but for how I choose to react to it and to know when to take my chances.
If there's one thing that remains from looking back at earlier writings, some even dating back to when I was only 13, it's a sense of disbelief that that was me from before. There are times where I wish I could travel back in time just to slap myself in the face or show the guy how he should have acted, it's almost comical. I certainly cannot claim to have had a crap life to date, on the contrary I've been blessed with a good family, decent income, great friends and I feel that I can do whatever I wish to.
Having been away from blogging for so long, I sometimes wonder why I even stopped. I guess my full-time studies at the time had me overly occupied. Not that I've actually stopped studying, as I still enjoy taking part-time courses, but these days it's only in things that genuinely interest me. I remember choosing engineering back in the day simply based on job security as there's ALWAYS a shortage in that area, no matter how grim the economic climate. Several years after that first degree and I'm following professional cookery courses, loving every second of it... not least because I get to eat and share whatever I make :) It's come to the point where I'm toying with the idea of opening my own catering business, but that's a story for another day.
Reading through all of the above, it dawned on me that I have plenty to be grateful for and that maybe I'm just absurdly difficult to please sometimes. Lately though, I've gone through a bit of a rough patch where my love life is concerned. Conflicting emotions, fear, indecision, courage and the guts to speak up, sleepless nights, being daring, keeping my distance... it all feels like one huge mess now that I'm faced with a person who's got a wall up and won't let anyone in for intimacy. This is all made more complex by the fact that I've developed feelings for her. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, for it sucks when those feelings are not returned and you're seen as no more than a friend. Thank goodness I've got plenty of other activities in which to channel all the brooding thoughts, at least that way I can get something good out of that crazy cocktail of moodiness that's hit me.
Here's the irony of the situation, I know that whatever I've set my mind to I've nearly always achieved, but when it comes to finding a woman that I wish to spend the rest of my life with, all planning flies right out of the window and into outer space. In that sector, it seems like whatever happened has been through sheer coincidence, whether it was me falling for someone or catching their fancy. Many claim that dating is a numbers game, and to that end there have been times where I felt fed up of it. Is having a female that I genuinely care for and who cares for me back simply too much to ask for? Sometimes I wish I could feel nothing at all, so I wouldn't have to go through the whole emotional ordeal, but wouldn't that also mean that when something great did happen, I'd forget just how memorable it all was?
In summary, to whatever life may throw at me, I say BRING IT ON and hit me with everything you have, for they are all learning experiences that will only lead to an even better me. I and I alone am responsible... not for what happens to me, but for how I choose to react to it and to know when to take my chances.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I piaceri del cibo
To my dear self (and anyone else interested in reading this)
as you may or may not know, the post title is in Italian and stands for 'The Pleasures of Food'. During this week alone, I've had more time to reflect about food and my sometimes conflicting thoughts/actions regarding such food.
My own experience has taught me that food isn't a mere necessity to survive, but one of the finer pleasures in life. I chose the title in Italian because in that particular country, food has been elevated to an art form in both its preparation and presentation, far more strikingly so than most other countries I've been to.
Yesterday I skipped lunch, having it replaced by a full box of chocolate pralines. I could argue that as long as it satisfied my basic need for food and wasn't poisonous, then it was perfectly fine to do so. Yet the relief I felt in the evening when I re-heated some frozen home-made vegetable soup was immeasurable. It almost felt like my conscience was nagging me and saying 'You should have prepared something decent for yourself, even though you were home alone'. This morning I woke up thinking of grilled mixed vegetables and seasoned tomatoes. You are right, my dear conscience.
Sure it takes time to prepare food, and patience to stay there and watch over it during the cooking, but the best experiences in life all require patience. I'm no stranger to it, and I'm now bent on creating exquisite meals, as a sign of respect to myself and out of a real love of good food. An additional perk for those I know is that I enjoy it even more when I can share such food. God bless you all!
as you may or may not know, the post title is in Italian and stands for 'The Pleasures of Food'. During this week alone, I've had more time to reflect about food and my sometimes conflicting thoughts/actions regarding such food.
My own experience has taught me that food isn't a mere necessity to survive, but one of the finer pleasures in life. I chose the title in Italian because in that particular country, food has been elevated to an art form in both its preparation and presentation, far more strikingly so than most other countries I've been to.
Yesterday I skipped lunch, having it replaced by a full box of chocolate pralines. I could argue that as long as it satisfied my basic need for food and wasn't poisonous, then it was perfectly fine to do so. Yet the relief I felt in the evening when I re-heated some frozen home-made vegetable soup was immeasurable. It almost felt like my conscience was nagging me and saying 'You should have prepared something decent for yourself, even though you were home alone'. This morning I woke up thinking of grilled mixed vegetables and seasoned tomatoes. You are right, my dear conscience.
Sure it takes time to prepare food, and patience to stay there and watch over it during the cooking, but the best experiences in life all require patience. I'm no stranger to it, and I'm now bent on creating exquisite meals, as a sign of respect to myself and out of a real love of good food. An additional perk for those I know is that I enjoy it even more when I can share such food. God bless you all!
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